Being a parent is super hard. Well, it was for me anyway. Wasn't my kids fault- they are just kids. I just for one- didn't KNOW what the world I was doing (seriously, who does?) and for second- for most of their life in our home I was an emotional mess. A control freak. My coping mechanisms to deal with fears within and fears without.
But God. He came to me at JUST the right time and I said YES to Him at just the right time. So when Allison was 10, Cody was 7 and Johnie 5- we began to take our children to church and learn how to raise them as believers in Christ. They all have came to place their faith, hope and trust in Him also. I honestly can not imagine WHERE our marriage would be AND our children would be without Jesus. I praise Him and thank Him for revealing Himself to us- JUST WHEN WE ALL NEEDED HIM THE MOST!
But even when I became a believer I still didn't know how to deal with my emotional mess. So, I became a very good believer. Now I realize that I thought "if I could just be a good believer and learn all I can then eventually I will be like how I train myself." So the things that were natural desires in me- prayer, studying Scripture, journalling, teaching- became obsessive and unnatural. More about learning so that others could see how knowledgeable, how "devout" I was, how good a Christian I am. It was a slow process and I never even realized I was doing it. I wore a mask, covering up my fears and insecurities. People would spot me for the fake I really was if I showed them my REAL self.
Do you have any idea what this looks like to a kid? Mom looks very different at church and around her church friends than she does at home. Duplicity.
Here is the good news. If your hearts desire is TRULY not to be divided- then God will give you the desires of your heart! I wanted so badly to BE on the outside who I KNEW I was on the inside! I just didn't know how to do that.
Then God. Sometimes God allows you to become a dragon on the outside so that He can strip away the fake outer man- and reveal who you really are ON THE INSIDE!
From The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, third book in the Narnian series
Eustace's Baptism:
"I looked up and saw the very last thing I expected: a huge lion coming slowly toward me. And one queer thing was that there was no moon last night, but there was moonlight where the lion was. So it came nearer and nearer. I was terribly afraid of it. You may think that, being a dragon, I could have knocked any lion out easily enough. But it wasn't that kind of fear. I wasn't afraid of it eating me, I was just afraid of it -- if you can understand. Well, it came close up to me and looked straight into my eyes. And I shut my eyes tight. But that wasn't any good because it told me to follow it."
"You mean it spoke?"
"I don't know. Now that you mention it, I don't think it did. But it told me all the same. And I knew I'd have to do what it told me, so I got up and followed it. And it led me a long way into the mountains. And there was always this moonlight over and round the lion wherever we went. So at last when we came to the top of a mountain I'd never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden - trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it there was a well. . . .
"Then the lion said -- but I don't know if it spoke -- 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know -- if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy -- oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."
"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.
"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off -- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt -- and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me -- I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on -- and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again." [115-116]
Only Aslan could undress Eustace. Only Aslan could rip the the dragon skin away from Eustace. Only Aslan could reveal the true inner man, conform the outer man to the truth of the inner man. Only Aslan could immerse Eustace in the water to bring about healing. Same for me. Only God could reveal to me that what I said didn't match up to my actions. Only God could strip away the flesh (in dependency and coping mechanisms apart from God). Only God could bring into alignment my inner man and outer man. Only God could immerse me in Himself and heal me.
And when God began to do that He began to heal my family. All along I blamed Nick and the kids because they didn't act, say or do the things that would make me feel right. When all along, it was ME. And when He began to heal me and reveal more of Himself to me- He began a healing in us all. AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME.
The years my kids were young were hard. Their teenage years, hard. Growing into adults, hard. In different ways. I look back and realize how often God carried me through those years. He still is. But He was always there. Always faithful. And you know, so was I. I was always there for them. Sure I was a "bad" mom at times, and sometimes I highlight those times more than the times I was "good". We become performance based- oh wait- thats what I was talking about earlier huh? I was a performanced based Christian! But God wanted me to be - well- REAL.
So, here I am. Real. My kids see the real and raw Mom. They see that more times than not, I chose to allow Christ to be my Life, my Hope, my Strength, my Healer, my Peace, my Joy and my Love. They see that Christ is working, in me. That in Him, I live, move and exist. And you know, I see that in my kids too. I see Jesus revealing Himself to them in a unique way. I see Him, revealing who they really are on the inside. I see Him stripping away that old dragon and immersing each one of them in Him- again and again.
And it makes all the years, all the tears, all the prayers, all the 'sticking with it'- worth it. My kids- will never be super stars according to this world. They will never be super stars in the Christian community. I do not want them to be. I just want them to be real. And raw. I want them to live from Christ who lives within them.
And I think that is exactly how He wants them to "live, move and exist" also.
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