One Month...Moment by Moment

It is a chilly day here in the south. I wish I had some heated socks. When my feet are cold my whole body is cold! One day to election. I asked the Lord to give me His peace over this election. He knows I struggle with NOT knowing. Barlow Girls sing a song called Surrender. In Surrender are these words, "I REST in YOUR knowing, though I may not know."

That is where I am. Eight years ago, less than a month before I turned 30, I believed and trusted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. In the last 8 years I have craved God's Word. Yep, I'm one of those, if there is something to do at church, I do it. I help with youth (I have three teens!) and such things. I stressed quiet time and in the Word. Last year my Lord lifted me out of the pit of depression and antidepressants. It's something I've dealt with for a very long time. I praise Him everyday!

Last month...one month ago today...I had a revelation. I had been writing a Bible Study for two months. I struggled with it. But every spare minute I had was on that study. I was in Hebrew and Greek...and ugg....just engulfed in it. Of course, as a Christian, your life becomes "Christian". I have the Christian music. Christian books. Christian radio. Christian pictures. All of it. My friend, whom I asked to edit my study, called me and told me there was a particular part that wasn't biblical. I didn't get mad at my friend. I got mad a God. How could He have let me go astray? I mean come on, I was doing this for Him! I expected Him to keep me on the right path. So I put my Bible up. Turned off my radio. Put it all up. I told God that I wasn't talking to Him. Have you ever tried to quit talking to God? It's not that easy.

Over the next few days I finally talked with my kids youth pastor. He is like a younger brother to me. He had been going through this journey the last year and a half of "abiding in Christ". "Resting in Jesus". I had got tired of hearing those phrases. Come on, I was abiding! I was doing all I could for Jesus! To me, resting was "doing NOTHING" for Jesus and I just couldn't do that! Faith without deeds is dead, right? This is some part of what I was feeling, in a letter I wrote to a friend:

"I really can't explain what is going on inside me right now...a couple of weeks ago I realized that my whole life was situated around everything "Christian". I was working on Colossians...actually...struggling with Colossians and...through various ways I came to realize that I believe Christianity...and my very own Bible was becoming my "idol". So I shut off my Christan radio...put my Bible up...even tried to quit praying. Everything around me was Christian. Books, music, everything. I quit trying to be so "spiritual". Now...here's the great part. When I quit trying...Jesus stepped in. Jesus is the Word of God and He lives in me. I'm trusting in Him. Really...trusting in Him to abide in me. I talk to Him now. Call it prayer if you want...but I talk to Him. And He talks to me. You know the Casting Crowns song says "when I'm not holding on to Him...He's holding on to me." That is what is going on in me right now. He's holding on to me. He's also bringing forth some ugly things in me...about some things that I hang onto. Because I depend on these idols in time of stress and pressure INSTEAD of Him...I fail. I'm miserable inside. He can't live and work through me with all this in me. So...He is stripping away these things in me heart. Attached like little leeches sucking His lifeblood out of me. It hurts...I've depended on them so long to get by. But He will heal my wounded heart. With Himself. Right now...He is telling me to Be Still. So my soul waits. I love Him. I truly do. I do not doubt Him. I'm just tired. When I am weak...He is strong. I am so weak. But I have felt more peace and stirrings of joy in my heart. I ask for His peace to rule in my heart. I am learning what it means by letting Him...the Word dwell in me. It doesn't mean reading my Bible for more knowledge. It means letting the Spirit of my beloved Jesus abide, live, dwell...and all that comes with living...in me. I want to FEEL Him. I know in my head He is there but I want to feel in my soul...I want to feel Him. I think I was trying to fill myself up with all this external stuff...trying to make myself closer to Him...to feel Him living in me. But He's not going to let me be comfortable living in sin. Last year He delivered me from depression and antidepressants...now...I guess to Him it's time to really teach me what abiding is. Moment by moment. Not just to BE Christlike but to LET Him live through me. I don't know if or when I'll get back to Bible studies...and I surely don't feel fit for mentoring. How can I tell someone...anything...when I have no grip on anything myself. I allowed legalism in my own heart and life. I expected Hubby and the kids to be perfect little Christians...do it this way and that way...and if we didn't do it like that as a family we were not be a true spiritual family. Oh I had so many things wrong. I'm not Jesus...and I don't live in them. But I am me...and He want's to really live through me. When that happens...then our family will grow as HE wants it to grow. I just have to let Him undo the wrong I have done. Some of it was good. But it was not Jesus. It was teaching them to rely on things...and ways...and methods...not Jesus living in them. I'm so sorry if I'm not making any sense. Please forgive me. It makes sense to me...and hurts me all at once. Our youth pastor has been teaching this for over a year now..living moment by moment in Christ. I actually got a little aggravated and sick of hearing it. Mainly because I didn't understand. I was tired of hearing, "rest in Jesus". I just couldn't get it. So I talked to him about what is going on inside me and he gave me a book...Sidetracked in the Wilderness and WOW. It opened my eyes up to some crazy things. An unbelieving believer...not REALLY trusting God. Not realizing who I really am in Christ. These good...external things...I was using to be more godly...grow closer to Christ. So so much. Even listening to Christian music. I'm learning to discern if it's just the music and songs that make me emotional or if it is Jesus in me. Anyway...I'm still where I was in a lot of ways three weeks ago. I doubt I will do Bible studies for awhile...and I have one week left with a youth teenage girl on the Grace Life handbook...study...she and I have done together. I do have to say I think this study may have began to bring about what is going on. It is about who I am in Christ and He living in me moment by moment."

So here I am...one month out. Abiding in Christ. He lives in me, and I in Him. Galatians 2:20 has been REAL and TRUE. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

So if I am abiding...why do I still struggle? Flesh. Our flesh remembers how we dealt with stress and pressures. Your old man is gone, you are a new creation but our flesh remembers. Your flesh formed habits, coping mechanisms. When things didn't go my way, such as my kids didn't do their chores, I would get angry at them. It was my way of control. I felt better, as if I had dealt with the situation, if I got angry. Being out of control was control for me. Now I realize that Jesus lives in me. I remind myself, "that is NOT who I am". I am a child of the living God. Even if I don't feel like it. I am salt and light. Even if I don't feel like it. He is my children's Peace. Even if I can't see it. My children have accepted Christ as their Savior. He is their righteouness. They are righteous. I am righteous. Even if I don't feel like it.

So what do you do with old bad habits? When I was 13 my sister moved out and left a pack of cigarettes in my room. 15 years later I had a two pack a day habit. I desperately wanted to quit smoking. So I did. I wore the patch and took the pills. But the hardest part was learning how NOT to smoke. I smoked first thing in the morning. I smoked after I ate. I smoke all the time. I formed new good habits to replace the old bad habits. When the old flesh rears it's ugly head, I remind myself of WHO I am. I ask Jesus, who lives in me, to live THROUGH me. I don't just mimic Jesus..do as He did...I allow HIM to live in and through me. Oh, He is so faithful!

During all of this I have not doubted God. I have relearned who He is. Sidetracked in the Wilderness by Michael Wells has helped me with that. There has been so much more going on...and I am so thankful. I wish I could write it all down but I can't. It is wrote on my heart.