Why, Lord, did you bring me out of the pit of depression? Why me? Why did You choose to heal me?
As I think about it- it really wasn't depression. I call it that because I don't really have one word- well, that's not exactly true because there IS one word to describe why I was so emotionally unstable- it is:
Flesh. Self.
But that put's ME as the center of the problem. And I was the center of the problem.
When I look back now I see that I was oppressed spiritually. I was emotionally stunted. Both causing me to say and do things I KNEW wasn't the real me.
For me- "oppressed spiritually" was that before I was I believer I didn't know ANY other way to "release" the boiling cauldron of unfiltered, misunderstood, rampant, wild emotions inside of me. These emotions had a root cause but I didn't know it! I just thought they WERE me. That I was to try hard to NOT be that way. And the truth is, that was me, before Jesus. It was the only way I knew to be. Angry, short-tempered, impatient, yelling, crying, blaming, manipulating, looking for a way out, trying to feel "good" emotions in a bad way, trying to control everyone and everything in my home so that something would feel "right". I hated life because I hated me.
After Jesus- nobody explained to me that I was a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away; behold, the new has come into being."
Wow! I had heard it but it was never explained to me. Nobody really sat down and opened the Scriptures and showed me ALL that was in them about what Jesus did for me, to me and will do through me because of the cross, His death, His resurrection, His ascension, His sitting at the right hand of the Father, His sending the Holy Spirit- the Spirit of Truth-our Counselor and Comforter- and through the Holy Spirit, He-Christ, Himself- indwells, abides, within me. I have EVERYTHING I need for life and godliness.
I was dead and I needed life.
I was filled with unrestrained chaos and I needed peace.
I was depressed and I needed joy.
I was unfulfilled and I needed love.
I was angry and I needed healing.
I was hard, hurt, scared, uncontrollable, beaten and chained.
I needed kindness, touch, security, gentleness, my wounds cleansed with the oil of joy and wine of new life and I needed to be set free.
Free from the past, free from those who hurt me, free from those I hurt, free from the present, free from worry, free from control, free from anger, free from the chaos, free from others, free from unrestrained emotions, free from all slavery and bondage, free from MY SELF.
I needed healing, wholeness, life, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness, love, faithfulness, guidance, patience, and self- control.
I wanted to walk in victory, all the days of my life no matter what craziness was going on around me- I didn't want to be dragged in the pit that my soul had lived in for so long.
Only Jesus healed this broken one. He healed me so that I would walk in victory. This is moment by moment as I abide in Him. He didn't want me dependent on anything but Him. So He is taking away all my coping mechanisms. He became the most real thing in my life. He's daily changing my mind, will and emotions- exchanging the lies for the truth and transforming my inner man to live from the Truth.
I'm free.
Why me? So many others continue to live in bondage. It hurts my heart. My answer is simple- simply Jesus. I needed, really truly needed, all of Jesus. Not just His saving but His keeping. I need Him- with every breath, every beat of my heart, every thought in my mind, with everything that I am. I need Him. I cannot live with You, Jesus. You are the source of all I need. You. Only You.
Jesus, You are my Home.
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