Hopefully

Well I am hopeful that I am finally getting all my herbs back in order after I discovered Estroblend (without noting the changes on the box) had taken out all the vitamins, several key herbs and added caffeine.

Last week I shared that some of my problems came back briefly. More headaches, burning eyes, itching right arm and I had a cold sore.   It was then I noticed the changes with Estroblend. 

So I researched and thought I had come to a solution since I had already bought two boxes:
http://vinejohn15branch.blogspot.com/2016/08/changes.html

This solution did not work.  For one thing- the caffeine really bothered my stomach.  I take the Estroblend at night before bed and I would be awake a lot of the night with a burning stomach.  Besides I would rather get my caffeine in a couple cups of coffee a day.  : )  Also, the vitamins I bought to replace the vitamins were much more.  I eat a pretty balanced diet and get a lot of vitamins so I think I was getting too many vitamins a day.  The One A Day for Menopause has about the same amount of vitamins the old Estroblend did- plus it has Isoflavones so I didn't have to buy Isoflavones.  I looked at 5 different places, Walmart and pharmacies, for One A Day Menopause.  Could ONLY find it on Amazon so I have it set up for Amazon to automatically deliver every 2 months.  It only has 50 pills in it...so you have to make sure you have enough to finish out the second month.  Green tea, cranberry and boron I found only at the Vitamin Shoppe but I will research the best place to buy them before I have to get new bottles (in 3 months).  The black cohosh, which is SUPER important I got at Walmart.

Pictured below is the old Estroblend.  I kept the box so I could use it for comparison.  Which I am glad I did.

Also pictured below is what I believe may finally be what I will be taking from now on.  The price has went from $11 a month for Estroblend to about $20 a month to replace the best that I can, what was in the old Estroblend.  The only thing I am missing is a couple of herbs- Date Seed Extract and Magnolia Bark Powder.

Below information is for my records.

Before bed:
One a Day Women's Menopause 50 pills (50 days, .31 a pill)- Amazon $15
Black Cohosh 100 pills 40mg  (50 days, 2 a day (80mg a day), .10 a pill) Walmart $6
Green Tea 100 pills, 250mg (100 days, .14 a pill) $14
Boron 100 pills, 3mg (100 days, .06 a pill) $6
Cranberry 90 pills, 400 mg (90 days, .13 a pill) $13

In the morning I take:
2 Cinnamon pills (this is for hormone headaches) 400 capsules, 1000mg (200 days, .02 a pill)- Walmart $9
Korean Panax Ginseng (general wellness, energy) 150 capsules, 100 mg (150 days, .06 a pill)- Walmart $9
Gingko Biloba (this is great for keeping my moods even keel) 90 capsules 120mg (90 days, .10 a pill) - Walmart $9

Sometimes at the Vitamin Shoppe you can get buy one get one 50% off.

Front of old Estroblend

Back of Old Estroblend

Back of One A Day Menopause Box

Hopefully!

Anoint me with Joy

Back in 2006-2007, I prayed the Lord would anoint me in the oil of Joy.

I desperately needed joy.  I desperately needed peace.

I was a believer trying hard to be right, do right and feel right.  What I mean is that by "right" is to be at peace inside, to be "happy".  It was a process of learning that happiness comes with what is happening in my life.  I am happy if things are good and if things are bad- I am not happy.  I found out that joy is different than happiness- joy is an inner work and transformation coming from the Lord, Himself and it is despite what is happening in my life.

Joy's root is Grace.  Joy is the awareness and recognition of God's grace- for me, to me, in me and through me.

I had to come to understand- from the anointing of the Spirit, what Grace is.

Grace is Jesus, Himself. I had to come to a true understanding of WHO God is.  Not who I deep down, deeper than what I had learned (from the authority figures in my life, the circumstances of my life, the false words spoke to me, the false actions demonstrated to me).  I had to throw out all the previous beliefs and teachings and allow God, Himself speak into me WHO He is and who I am because of Him.

In 2007-2008 God brought people in my life- broken just like me, searching, seeking, desperate for something "more" to make them right inside-  people He was using to teach and speak the truth into me.  And in His time and His way- there came a day that I laid it all down.

I can't!  I can't do this Christian life anymore!  Itfeels so false!  It feels like I'm trying to make something out of nothing,  I'm still me on the inside.  Fearful.  Beaten down by trauma.  Barely breathing.  Control freak.  Master manipulator.  ANGRY.  I am never going to change.  Do You even really care?  Are You really real?  Is this just a farce?  Is this just a game?  Do You really care?

I am SO tired.   Why can't I be better?  Is there such a thing as better?  I see my kids future- the same as mine.  Lost.  Fearful.  Angry.  Fighting through life then giving up.

"Lay it down, Starla.  Come to Me."  

I don't believe You really care.  

"You don't really know Me."

Why haven't You made me right?  I've done so much for You and still I'm this way.

"I didn't ask you to do all that for Me.  Being "right" starts with Me, not with Starla.  Come to Me."

I just want to be at peace inside.  I'm so chaotic on the inside.  My mind runs a hundred miles a minute.  I can't control my thoughts that lead me deep deep deep in a pit.  I'm scared ALL THE TIME.  I don't know what joy is.  I don't know who I am.  I don't know who You are.  I don't know if I can really trust You.  I don't know if You really care about me, about Nick, about our kids, about our future, our bills, our home, this very moment.  I just don't know.  

"Come to Me."

What if You aren't enough?

"You will never know unless you come to Me.  What do you have to lose?"

Well, Lord.  That's a good point.  I'm already a pretty big mess.  A big ole lump of Christianity mess.  

"Let Me strip away all the untruth and reveal Truth to you.  It's not going to be easy.  You might fight Me.  But I promise you- what you let go of I will multiply with Myself."

Yes.

"Yes?"

Yes.  

That was the beginning.  I've been walking this path 8 years.  It's been the most beautiful, healing, grace-filled, truthful, anointed, peace-full, exploding with joy time of my life.

I spent almost 30 years mourning.

From the time I was 9 and my mom screamed, "Watch out Harold" my life has been in fear, mourning, trauma and tragedy.  It became my identity.  Until I was 38.
From the time I saw the van heading right toward our car.
From the time I heard loud crash, felt the crash.  First the van then the side of the mountain.
From the time my 7 year old sisters bloody head fell in my lap and I passed out.
From the time I woke up to the smell of blood, the taste of blood, the vision of bloody hair.
From the time I smelled battery acid and my face burned.
From the time my Dad pulled me out of the car.
From the time I tried to hold onto the guard rail telling Daddy I would go get help, covered in my blood, my sisters blood and battery acid.
From the time a women grabbed me and lied to me, "Your mom is going to be alright."
From the time an ambulance driver gave me his coat because I was shaking from shock.
From the time I saw my bloody mother right across from me in the ambulance and I covered my face with the ambulance driver's coat. The last time I saw her.  Except in the years of nightmares (leaning over the seat and asking her "Are you coming home with us this time?" "No, not this time".)
From the time I laid all by myself filthy, bloody on a stretcher in the hallway of the hospital.  Mom and Karen on their way to major hospitals in Lexington.  Dad went with them.
From the time my aunt Wilma arrived and I saw her walk to the door, stick her head out and then deep inside, I knew.  I knew my mom died.  
From the time I refused to shower in the hospital.
From the time my best friend, Angie and her mom, waved to me from the hospital window because they wouldn't let her in to see me.
From the time the doctor, with my Dad and brother in the room, told me my mom died.
From the time I finally got home from the hospital and took a shower and the dirt, blood and glass from my body and hair swirled down the drain.

I don't remember my Mom's funeral.  I remember the dress I wore.  I know Precious Memories was sung.

I don't remember visiting Karen in the hospital.

All I know is that one Saturday morning we went to Liberty to get our hair cut and my life was never the same after that.

All I know is that the light went out of our home that day.

And I became a victim,  for almost 30 years.  

Then almost 30 years later....healed.  Whole.

A victor because of the One, Elohim, that lives in me.  That He IS Enough.  That He truly cares.  That  He Can BE trusted.  He is worthy.

I gave Him my sorrow, my tragedy, my victim identity, my hurt, my fears, my control, my anxiety, my depression- I gave Him, Jesus- all of me.  Because I wanted- desperately NEEDED- all of Him.

He revealed Himself to me.  Who He really is.  And He revealed to me who I really am.

He is Light.  He is Life.  He is Eternal Life.  He is Truth.  He is Love.  He is Joy.  He is Grace.  He is Peace.  He is Righteous.  He is Patient.  He is Patience.  He is Kind.  He is Kindness.  He is Good.  He is Goodness.  He is Gentle.  He is Gentleness.  He is Faith.  He is Faithful.  He is Faithfulness. He is worthy to be in Control of me, to have the Authority to work all things to my good because I truly do love Him.  He is King of Kings.  Lord of Lords.  He is Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.  He is Breath of Life.  He is Bread.  He is Living Water.  He is the Door.  He is the Gentle Shepherd.  He is the Holy One of Israel.  He is the Beginning and the End.  He is above all things and in Him all things hold together.  He is the firstborn among the Brethren.

And He is so much more.

He is.  Always has been and always will be.

And I am Starla.  His daughter.  His treasure.  His joy.  Loved.  Accepted.  Worthy.  Significant.  Secure.  I am deeply deeply cared for.  So much so- He took me in Him and in Him is Home.

Grace

Jesus teaches us that His Kingdom is a grace based kingdom!  He extends grace to the most undeserving and ungrateful people. Grace is the giving of ourselves with no strings attached and no expectations of getting anything in return.  The "give to gain" mentality is of this world and satan's kingdom and has no place in the church.

The Lord does not reward His people for extending grace.  If He did it would not be grace!  And if it is by grace, then it cannot be based on works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace. (Romans 11:6)  We must distance ourselves from those who claim that God gives good things to us because we pray, attend church, tithe, help others or anything else.  This diminished God's grace which is totally unmerited and undeserved.  As His people, He calls for us to imitate Him by extending grace even to our enemies giving us full access to Himself including His unlimited grace and forgiveness. 
(Luke 6:37-45)

- Sunday School, Joe Burnett, August 21, 2016

Celebrating all of Jesus

Have you ever thought about how much emphasis is put on Jesus's birth? I mean, it's like months we "celebrate" with the same music, same rituals, the same decorations. We almost actually worship the "time of year", the "season", more than we do the King born. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled how He came to born a babe- 100% human and 100% God- "Emmanuel" God with us.

But what about His death, His burial and His resurrection. We "celebrate" His victory on the cross and His defeat over satan one weekend a year. When the truth is- this is what our major celebration should be. We (believers) didn't participate in His birth-but Oh, we did His death, burial and resurrection (Romans 6)! This is what we should be celebrating- and living out- continuously!

And guess what! There's more! How often in our gatherings to worship- do we celebrate His ascension? I mean, the Scriptures speak of the Ascension quite often- and we also participated in that also! (Colossians 3) And it's not even mentioned when we gather together to fellowship and worship the One True God.

And what about Pentecost? Why don't we celebrate when the Father sent the Holy Spirit? Christ Jesus lives in us through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit- we have everything we need for life and godliness. Why, it's not even mentioned in our gatherings to worship.

Let's celebrate the WHOLE life of this man.
Let's celebrate the whole truth, eternal life, of this God, who became a man and dwelt among us. This God who died for the forgiveness of our sins, who rose the third day, who took us within Him in His death, burial, resurrection and ascension, who became sin so that we might become the righteousness of God. Who exchanged our old sinful inner man for a new, righteous, holy and blameless man in whom He abides in. Who ascended to the right hand of God and where He is, I am also. Who sent the Spirit of truth to teach, counsel and guide us- from the inside out.

Now....that's something to celebrate.

Happy Resurrection! Happy Ascension! Happy Pentecost!

Changes!

So a few months ago I noticed the Estroblend I get at Walmart, for perimenopause, was on sale.  So I bought 3 boxes.  

Now, I know why.

I thought they were just changing the design of the box.  But they are not.  They took out all the vitamins.  They took out the boron.  They took out the cinnamon, date seed and cranberry.  There is now less Isoflavones.  

They added caffeine.  

I did not realize this until last night.  After I had already bought two months supply.  

No wonder I got a cold sore.  No wonder my right arm has been intensely itching.  No wonder my eyes are blurry.

I spent several hours researching to replace all this.  There is NOTHING out there like this.  

So for the next two months I will use the Estroblend supply I have, and I bought Walmart's Adult Gummy Multivitamin- it does have boron.  I am adding Beta-Carotene.  

When my supply is up I will continue with the Adult Multivitamin, Beta carotene, cinnamon, ginkgo and ginseng.   I will add Century 21st Black Cohosh/Isoflavone (which is the main ingredient in Estroblend). I will MIGHT add cranberry, magnolia bark, green tea and date seed.  

I hate to have to take ALL these just to replace ONE pill a day!  

Ugg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy 22nd Birthday Johnie!

Happy 22nd Birthday to our Sunday son, Johnie Ellison.

It's hard to believe you were born on a Sunday, just like this, 22 years ago- during a thunderstorm!

Well, you know, God knew what He was doing. This son who loves Sundays- going to church, being with the church and being the church.

This son who Jesus said, "Johnie, come unto Me- you are weary and tired of doing it your way. How about resting in Me and allowing me to speak My love into you? I want you to know deeply and intimately my deep and abiding love for you."

Johnie said yes to Jesus- and it's been beautiful to see him being transformed from the inside-out.

I've asked Jesus to allow me to watch my children fall in love with the one they will marry some day. I want to see love grow in them for someone very special- and I want to fall in love with that person that will be joined to mine. He has allowed that with Allison and Ben. I pray He also allows that with Cody and Johnie.

But watching my children fall in love with Jesus- to begin an intimate abiding fellowship and oneness with Him has also been one of the most endearing blessings He has given us. I am thankful He has allowed us to watch them come to know Him, to love Him, to trust Him, to allow Him to transform them and to live in and through them.

I thank You, Father for allowing Nick and me to see with Your eyes and heart our children- to see them become who You created them to be. We have no greater joy than this and continue to pray You are all they could ever need or want.

And I share Johnie's favorite verses- which he shares to whomever he can, whenever he can:

"Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it has been written:

“For Your sake we face death all the day;

we were regarded as sheep of slaughter.”

But in all these things, we more than conquer through the One having loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8: 35-39

Snapping beans....

Summer 1979
Snapping beans on Grandma and Grandpa's porch- with Aunt Wilma.

My heart to you...

Marriage has been such a life of discovery. From the beginning you discover many great qualities, surprising qualities about each other. You also can discover many faults about each other. 

I've also discovered that Nick has no more great qualities OR faults than I do. We are pretty balanced in both areas- each of us. : )

If Nick chose to set his mind on my faults then our marriage is doomed for sure. For before I know it, love will exchanged for distaste and dissatisfaction in me and with me. 

Same goes for me...if I choose to focus on his faults then my heart will grow hard toward him. 

Instead he has chose to focus on me. Who I really am. Not my faults, not even my qualities but who I, Starla, truly am. Who God uniquely created me to be. 

And I'm choosing to focus on who Nick truly is. Without all the stuff of life. 

I WANT Nick to love me in this way, to see me as who God created me to be- for him to encourage me to BE- to be who I really am. I, too, want to love and encourage Nick to be himself and grow more and more in love with Jesus. 

"Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh...Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."- 2 Corinthians 5:16-17

Jesus wasn't our Savior, our Lord or our Life when we marred. Neither of us were believers. But, I do believe when we married- because of the words spoke and prayed over us at our wedding- God blessed our union. 

And God knew- that 12 years down the road this broken little family would come to Him- and He would change EVERYTHING. 

...I am confident of this, He who began a good work IN you will complete it...(Philippians 1:6)

What wonderful years of marriage we have had (oh yes,there have been "all things"- the good, the bad and the ugly BUT Jesus!) since Jesus was welcomed into spirit, our life, our family and our home. 

Apart from Jesus, I can do nothing

Every Wednesday evening since April a young woman has been coming to my house for discipleship counseling.  I took a 9 month class a couple of years ago called Advanced Discipleship Training.  
Some take this class they will come to have a deeper understanding and knowledge- and intimacy with God.  I took the class so I could better teach/counsel/disciple these truths- the whole gospel.

I tend to get overwhelmed as I start preparing for her to come.  To get a bit nervous.  That's when I have to breathe deep- and pray, "Jesus, if You don't do this counseling/discipleship through me then it won't get done."  I can't.  In and of my self, Starla, I cannot do it.  

Tonight we will be talking about Surrender and Hearing God.  Oh how wonderful to live in this intimacy that I can communicate to this God- Creator of all- and for Him to communicate to others through me.   So they too can learn to surrender and listen to Him- to live in this beautiful intimate fellowship.  

About Advanced Discipleship Training:
/http://www.abundantgraceintl.org/trainingteaching/advanced-discipleship-training/

My video:

Questions to ponder

I was reading a blog today and these are some of the questions, which I've kind of reworded, that were in the blog:

Do you ever gather with others, in a small group, informally and periodically for fellowship? By small, I mean 2, 3, and 4. 

Have you found one or two people to gather with periodically for encouragement and fellowship?  If so you’re of all people blessed.  Many Christians can’t find a soul where they live who is interested in talking about the Lord .

Is there a hunger among God’s people for the deeper things of God, which includes restoring the supremacy and centrality of Jesus Christ. And which manifests itself in treating others the same way we want to be treated in every situation (Matthew 7:12). 

Are you in a community that is deeply committed to the deeper things of God and are discovering God’s Eternal Purpose together?

Prayer

Do You Actually Need It?

 Reposting this from Facebook,  it's a wonderful reminder. 

Do You Actually Need It? by Paul Tripp

When was the last time you said aloud, or at least thought to yourself, "I need that [fill in the blank] in my life..."
Perhaps, for you, it would mean living in a certain location. Maybe it's a specific job that you've always dreamed of, or a certain salary figure. Maybe it's a relationship or status to pursue - to be a spouse, a parent, a grandparent, a CEO, an elected politician, a senior pastor, or whatever.
The word 'need' is one of the most inaccurate and overused words in the human vocabulary. If need means essential for life, then the vast majority of what we say we need are things we don't actually need. They are more than likely just desires - not sinful desires, necessarily - but they're desires, not needs.
Is this distinction worth making? I think so! I've found that 3 significant things happen inside of us when we name something as a need:
We feel entitled to what we have named as a need.
We feel we have the right to demand what we need.
We judge the love of another by their willingness to deliver what we say we need.
Envision this scenario: a mother takes her son to the mall, and he spots a pair of sneakers that he wants. Not knowing the difference between desire and need, he says, "Mom, I neeeeeeeeed those shoes." Then, he begins to demand the shoes, and when his mom says no, the son judges his mother as unloving because she did not deliver what he said he needed.
It's a comical (and seemingly innocent) interaction between parent and child, but I think that we sometimes act like that with our Heavenly Father. We have determined in our heart that we "need" something in life when it's actually only a desire. Then over time, we begin to demand it, and if God doesn't deliver it to us in the manner and timeframe that we demand, we judge Him to be unloving.
Remind yourself of this truth: just because the Bible says God is good doesn't automatically mean that He will deliver to us the things that we've defined as good in our earthly hearts.
Rather, in his grace, God is freeing us from the small confines of our little definition of what is good so that we can experience the huge and satisfying good that He has planned for us. Grace welcomes us to experience what is eternally right, true, and good. Grace invites us to good that we could never have imagined, deserved, or earned.
And equally as important, don't think of God as always "withholding" from His children. On the contrary, He's extremely generous and has already "given us everything we need for a godly life" (2 Peter 1:3, NIV). Jesus tells us not to be anxious about life because our Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need and is comitted to providing (Matthew 6:25-34).
It's good for Christians to pursue a beautiful home, a succesful career, and a comfortable life. But it's even better to come to the place where you no longer need those things to feel good about your life. God will bless you with physical things, but every good physical thing that He provides is meant to be a sign that points to the good that can be found only in Him.
Here's the bottom line: what we need, and what God promises, is not a situation, location, possession, position, or relationship. What we need, and what He has already given through Christ, is Himself. What could possibly be a better gift than that?
God bless
Paul Tripp

Mom and me

Esse, Pops and Roman

My canine friends!

Sebastian and Macey

Oh happy happy day!

My new Altra road running shoes arrived!!

2 Peter 1:3

His (Jesus) divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. - 2 Peter 1:3

I read these words and I am absolutely overwhelmed by them

What has He given you?
How has He given it to you? 
Through?
How has He called you?

Life and godliness
By His divine power.
The knowledge of Him.
By His own glory and excellence.

1922 epígnōsis (from 1909 /epí, "on, fitting" which intensifies 1108 /gnṓsis, "knowledge gained through first-hand relationship"; knowledge by experience.

"I am the good shepherd, and I know My own, and I am known by My own. As the Father knows Me, I also know the Father; and I lay down My life for the sheep. My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and never shall they perish to the age, and never will anyone seize them out of My hand. My Father who has given them to Me is greater than all, and no one is able to seize them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one."- Jesus, John 10:14-15, 27-30

Jesus' divine power has given you and me EVERYTHING we NEED for life and godliness. He has accomplished this through you and me having intimate, experiential, spiritual knowledge of Him. He called us by His OWN glory and excellence.

Jesus.
Divine Power.
Everything.
Need.
Life.
Godliness.
Through.
Knowledge.
Him.
Called.
Own.
Glory.
Excellence.

If He has given you Everything you need (aka Himself) you lack nothing. Not one thing.

Amazed.

A day at home....

I really want to enjoy these days because before I know it- it will be too cool for the pool. : (

Moments in Eternity

It seems like yesterday- yet is seems so far away- that my kids were little.  

We've been through elementary.
Middle school.
High school.
And so far 2 of the 3 have graduated college.

Now, I'm a mother-in-love to a super young man and a grandmother to super baby boy.

Time really does fly.
You either learn to enjoy each moment or you will miss that moment.

My life is so different than it was during those busy busy years.  I am different.  I fought my way through those years.  Not in a good way.  I fought my self.  Depression, fear, anger, control.  If only I had truly understood to let Jesus- be Jesus.  To find Him to be everything that He said He is- 

2 Peter 1:2-3
  Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord;  seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.

You see what causes grace and peace multiplied in me and you?  Do you see how He has granted us everything pertaining to life and godliness?

Through the knowledge of Jesus.

Intimate, firsthand, experiential KNOWING Him.  Do you know this Jesus?  Do you take the time for Him to speak into the truth of Himself?  How can we let Jesus be Jesus in us and then through us if we don't really know Him?  

Seasons in life change.  Nick and I are in a completely different season than 10 years ago.
Now we are more emotional support for our children.
We don't financially support them.
Sometimes we are a sort of physical support for them. 
We spiritually support them- encourage them in Christ and pray for them.  

But also- our children are there for us, too.  We are walking this life along with them.  They talk to me and also teach me new things.  Johnie, showing me how to use his old Iphone 5 he gave me.  Cody going with me to get new running shoes.  Allison and I spending time mothering and grandmothering- in many different ways.  

Recognize and enjoy each moment for what it is.  Don't mourn yesterday.  Find your life in Jesus.  The Eternal One.  Our time is limited on this earth but in Jesus it is unending- and that's what truly matters most.  Our lives in this moment are to be lived in the revelation and truth of Eternal Life. 

Peace

The definition of chaos:

complete disorder and confusion

The definition of peace:

1515 eirḗnē (from eirō, "to join, tie together into a whole") – properly, wholeness, i.e. when all essential parts are joined together; peace (God's gift of wholeness).

-Quietness, rest

-Freedom from disturbance, war or violence

-State of harmony between people or groups

-Absence of mental anxiety

For many years I was in great chaos inside.  My mind ran like a whirlwind, all the time.  My emotions were all over the place- high and low, dark and depressed, or numb and void.  I couldn't seem to get out of the utter confusion of my mind and emotions.  

When I became a believer- I tried to quell the loud clanging in me through reading the Scriptures and through praying.  For several years I also took an anti-depressant.  I just wanted to be calm, to be "even" on the inside.  

Then three things begin to happen:

1) I read a book by Beth Moore, Get Out of that Pit- and God spoke clearly to me that it was time to get out of my pit of depression, fear and anxiety.

2)  Within a month of reading the book- and seeking God and His healing- I was off all medication.  Not exactly by choice.  The insurance company refused to give me brand name anti-depressant, I couldn't afford to pay for it and I had side effects from the generic.  So- Jesus in His wisdom and timing- removed the ability for me to take the anti-depressant.  Unsurprisingly to God, I did not have withdrawals or any severe problems.  I was learning to trust Him with the confusion and disorder of my mind, thoughts and emotions.

3) Before the book, before the letting go of the anti-depressant- God placed people in my life (actually our family's life) whom He used to bring revelation and understanding about Who He is and who we are because of Him.  These preachers and teachers- had went or were going through their own brokenness, crisis or circumstance that brought them to the end of them self- and there was Jesus.  God was doing this profound transformation IN THEM and they were sharing this "good news" of the whole gospel.  He came to set us free!  How did He do that?  They began to teach the truth of Jesus, the gospel, the cross, grace, revelation, identity, flesh, transformation and so much more.  Things I had never heard before but were clearly in Scriptures.  

God used all these things to bring me to deeper awareness and intimacy in Him.  To find my life and my everything in Him.  Jesus became real to me- He became my Healer and Sufficiency.  He became Enough.

When I learned that my old sinful inner man has been crucified with Christ and I had a new inner man that Christ lived in- it changed my whole life.  It changed my mind, my emotions and my will.

I came to understand deeper truths.  And this one is particular:

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it fear. -Jesus (John 14:27)

Peace.  God's gift of wholeness, healing, calmness, quiet, harmony, and absence of mental anxiety.  Jesus.  

Not only did He give ME, yes ME (oh, and yes- YOU, my brother or sister in Him, YOU) HIS PEACE.  His very peace He gave me- because He, Himself IS OUR PEACE (Ephesians 2:14, 2 Thessalonisans 3:16). 

Friend, are you in chaos and disorder in your inner man?  In your mind, will and emotions?  Is your heart troubled within you?

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify (transform) you completely, and may your entire spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful, and He will do it. - 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

There is only One who can offer you true wholeness, healing and absence of disorder and confusion.

Peace, Himself- Jesus.

Receive Him.  Believe Him.

Grace

My understanding of the definition of GRACE:

God's unfailing, intimate, forgiving, familial, supreme, encompassing, tender and generous-

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Freedom, Order, Power and Authority-

For me!  To me!  In me!  And through me!

And all of this is Jesus.

Jesus is Grace. 

HELPS Word-studies

Cognate: 5485 xáris (another feminine noun from xar-, "favor, disposed to, inclined, favorable towards, leaning towards to share benefit") – properly, grace. 5485 (xáris) is preeminently used of the Lord's favor – freely extended to give Himself away to people (because He is "always leaning toward them").

5485 /xáris ("grace") answers directly to the Hebrew (OT) term 2580/Kaná ("grace, extension-toward"). Both refer to God freely extending Himself (His favor, grace), reaching (inclining) to people because He isdisposed to bless (be near) them.

[5485 (xáris) is sometimes rendered "thanks" but the core-idea is "favor, grace" ("extension towards").]