Anoint me with Joy

Back in 2006-2007, I prayed the Lord would anoint me in the oil of Joy.

I desperately needed joy.  I desperately needed peace.

I was a believer trying hard to be right, do right and feel right.  What I mean is that by "right" is to be at peace inside, to be "happy".  It was a process of learning that happiness comes with what is happening in my life.  I am happy if things are good and if things are bad- I am not happy.  I found out that joy is different than happiness- joy is an inner work and transformation coming from the Lord, Himself and it is despite what is happening in my life.

Joy's root is Grace.  Joy is the awareness and recognition of God's grace- for me, to me, in me and through me.

I had to come to understand- from the anointing of the Spirit, what Grace is.

Grace is Jesus, Himself. I had to come to a true understanding of WHO God is.  Not who I deep down, deeper than what I had learned (from the authority figures in my life, the circumstances of my life, the false words spoke to me, the false actions demonstrated to me).  I had to throw out all the previous beliefs and teachings and allow God, Himself speak into me WHO He is and who I am because of Him.

In 2007-2008 God brought people in my life- broken just like me, searching, seeking, desperate for something "more" to make them right inside-  people He was using to teach and speak the truth into me.  And in His time and His way- there came a day that I laid it all down.

I can't!  I can't do this Christian life anymore!  Itfeels so false!  It feels like I'm trying to make something out of nothing,  I'm still me on the inside.  Fearful.  Beaten down by trauma.  Barely breathing.  Control freak.  Master manipulator.  ANGRY.  I am never going to change.  Do You even really care?  Are You really real?  Is this just a farce?  Is this just a game?  Do You really care?

I am SO tired.   Why can't I be better?  Is there such a thing as better?  I see my kids future- the same as mine.  Lost.  Fearful.  Angry.  Fighting through life then giving up.

"Lay it down, Starla.  Come to Me."  

I don't believe You really care.  

"You don't really know Me."

Why haven't You made me right?  I've done so much for You and still I'm this way.

"I didn't ask you to do all that for Me.  Being "right" starts with Me, not with Starla.  Come to Me."

I just want to be at peace inside.  I'm so chaotic on the inside.  My mind runs a hundred miles a minute.  I can't control my thoughts that lead me deep deep deep in a pit.  I'm scared ALL THE TIME.  I don't know what joy is.  I don't know who I am.  I don't know who You are.  I don't know if I can really trust You.  I don't know if You really care about me, about Nick, about our kids, about our future, our bills, our home, this very moment.  I just don't know.  

"Come to Me."

What if You aren't enough?

"You will never know unless you come to Me.  What do you have to lose?"

Well, Lord.  That's a good point.  I'm already a pretty big mess.  A big ole lump of Christianity mess.  

"Let Me strip away all the untruth and reveal Truth to you.  It's not going to be easy.  You might fight Me.  But I promise you- what you let go of I will multiply with Myself."

Yes.

"Yes?"

Yes.  

That was the beginning.  I've been walking this path 8 years.  It's been the most beautiful, healing, grace-filled, truthful, anointed, peace-full, exploding with joy time of my life.

I spent almost 30 years mourning.

From the time I was 9 and my mom screamed, "Watch out Harold" my life has been in fear, mourning, trauma and tragedy.  It became my identity.  Until I was 38.
From the time I saw the van heading right toward our car.
From the time I heard loud crash, felt the crash.  First the van then the side of the mountain.
From the time my 7 year old sisters bloody head fell in my lap and I passed out.
From the time I woke up to the smell of blood, the taste of blood, the vision of bloody hair.
From the time I smelled battery acid and my face burned.
From the time my Dad pulled me out of the car.
From the time I tried to hold onto the guard rail telling Daddy I would go get help, covered in my blood, my sisters blood and battery acid.
From the time a women grabbed me and lied to me, "Your mom is going to be alright."
From the time an ambulance driver gave me his coat because I was shaking from shock.
From the time I saw my bloody mother right across from me in the ambulance and I covered my face with the ambulance driver's coat. The last time I saw her.  Except in the years of nightmares (leaning over the seat and asking her "Are you coming home with us this time?" "No, not this time".)
From the time I laid all by myself filthy, bloody on a stretcher in the hallway of the hospital.  Mom and Karen on their way to major hospitals in Lexington.  Dad went with them.
From the time my aunt Wilma arrived and I saw her walk to the door, stick her head out and then deep inside, I knew.  I knew my mom died.  
From the time I refused to shower in the hospital.
From the time my best friend, Angie and her mom, waved to me from the hospital window because they wouldn't let her in to see me.
From the time the doctor, with my Dad and brother in the room, told me my mom died.
From the time I finally got home from the hospital and took a shower and the dirt, blood and glass from my body and hair swirled down the drain.

I don't remember my Mom's funeral.  I remember the dress I wore.  I know Precious Memories was sung.

I don't remember visiting Karen in the hospital.

All I know is that one Saturday morning we went to Liberty to get our hair cut and my life was never the same after that.

All I know is that the light went out of our home that day.

And I became a victim,  for almost 30 years.  

Then almost 30 years later....healed.  Whole.

A victor because of the One, Elohim, that lives in me.  That He IS Enough.  That He truly cares.  That  He Can BE trusted.  He is worthy.

I gave Him my sorrow, my tragedy, my victim identity, my hurt, my fears, my control, my anxiety, my depression- I gave Him, Jesus- all of me.  Because I wanted- desperately NEEDED- all of Him.

He revealed Himself to me.  Who He really is.  And He revealed to me who I really am.

He is Light.  He is Life.  He is Eternal Life.  He is Truth.  He is Love.  He is Joy.  He is Grace.  He is Peace.  He is Righteous.  He is Patient.  He is Patience.  He is Kind.  He is Kindness.  He is Good.  He is Goodness.  He is Gentle.  He is Gentleness.  He is Faith.  He is Faithful.  He is Faithfulness. He is worthy to be in Control of me, to have the Authority to work all things to my good because I truly do love Him.  He is King of Kings.  Lord of Lords.  He is Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.  He is Breath of Life.  He is Bread.  He is Living Water.  He is the Door.  He is the Gentle Shepherd.  He is the Holy One of Israel.  He is the Beginning and the End.  He is above all things and in Him all things hold together.  He is the firstborn among the Brethren.

And He is so much more.

He is.  Always has been and always will be.

And I am Starla.  His daughter.  His treasure.  His joy.  Loved.  Accepted.  Worthy.  Significant.  Secure.  I am deeply deeply cared for.  So much so- He took me in Him and in Him is Home.