10 years

10 years ago August 4, 2007-

The Lord brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Psalm 40:2-3

10 years ago God lifted me out of the pit of "depression", anger and control. I had been in that pit for as long as I could remember and it encompassed every bit of my life- inside and out.

10 years ago I stopped depending on my "happy pill" and God began to work in me that He wanted to heal me of the reasons I took the "happy pill". He wanted to expose the root issues, causes and lies I believed of why I wanted to numb my emotions and not deal with my emotions or be overcome by them- and learn to have healthy emotions and live from truth.

"Your feelings/emotions are real but they are not always truthful."

I am so thankful for this process that God had begun in me. Not only did I begin healing...but my little family did too. I don't want my children to carry on the legacy of "depression", anger, and unhealthy control issues. I thank God every day....that He brought us up out of the pit of destruction my family was in...and set our feet on a rock!

He surely put a new song in my mouth! I praise Him for revelation and healing!

My Grace IS Sufficient for you!

I guess you could say the last decade of my life has been the best.

And it had nothing to do with the circumstances of my life.

It all has to do with the words Jesus spoke to Paul, "My grace IS sufficient for you."

Grace. I still can't define it. I've tried. I've not found any earthly words rich in depth to express grace. Well- one. Jesus. Jesus IS Grace.

In this decade I still feel like I've only stepped a foot in the ocean of grace when I want to be so fully immersed, experiencing of Grace, Himself.

From Streams in the Desert:

"Lord, make Your grace sufficient for me."

His answer was almost an audible voice that said, "How dare you ask for something that IS? I cannot make My grace any more sufficient that I already have. Get up and believe it, and you will find it true in your life."

The Lord says in the most simplest way: "My grace IS [not will be or may be] sufficient for you." The words "My", "is" and "you" were from that moment on indelibly written upon my heart. And thankfully, I have been trying to live in the reality of that truth from that day to the present.

Never change God's facts into hopes or prayers but simply accept them as realities and you will find them as powerful as you believe them.- H.W. Webb Peploe

Get Out of That Pit August 4 2007

Starla Ellison

August 4, 2012 · Spartanburg, SC · 

August 4, 2007! 5 years ago today I picked up a book a friend had given me a couple of months before entitled, "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore. I thought, "Well, I'm in a pit- might as well read it."

So, coffee and book in hand I went to the pool deck to read some of it. I read the whole book that day. I couldn't put it down. God spoke so clearly to me. It was time to get out of the pit of depression, anger, fear and control.

I sit here 5 years later- just finished reading my journal from those days. WOW God! Thank YOU!

God revealed to me that IT WAS TIME. Depression had engulfed me. I couldn't function without antidepressants. They numbed my racing mind. My emotions were never on an even keel. They were erratic, great highs and lows. Thoughts would swirl constantly. I told Nick that my mind felt those poor mice that constantly spinned on their little wheel.

I hated living that way. I hated never feeling calm, at peace. I hated being angry. I hated feeling like I had to have control over every situation. I hated being so very very fearful of everything. I hated my self. I hated my life. I hated my past. I hated my present.

BUT GOD.

But God was at work around me. Through our youth pastor at the time, God was doing a great work in his life- and he began to teach what God was doing in him.

And God was at work IN me. Through others teaching the Truth of Who God is- speaking the Truth of Him to me. Reading "Get out of that Pit", was just another way of God telling me it was time to lay Starla (past Starla, present Starla and future Starla) aside and fix my whole self on HIM.

Within one month- I was off all antidepressants! Why? Because God has orchestrated it that the BRAND NAME antidepressants was the only kind I could take. My insurance would not pay for BRAND NAME only the GENERIC. I was allergic to the generic. So, there was God saying- "No more dulling your emotions Starla- I am going to heal you."

And He did!!!!!
He did!

5 years ago God pulled me out of the pit of depression! And has revealed Himself to me in such a way that I don't NEED a pill to control my emotions. I need Jesus. He is Sufficient.

What a journey I have been on since! Oh, the things He has spoke into me. Stripping away layers and healing me.

Thank You, my Jesus-my Healer!

Hello again....

Well, it's been awhile.  A long while.  Not that I have done anything much this year.  I say that...but the truth is when I teach Sunday School I do put in a lot of time and study to writing the lesson.  I have taught quite a bit this year and I do love it.

I've decided to go on a 48 (my age) day Facebook fast.  I admit it.  I am addicted to looking on FB a hundred times a day.  I will have to have Nick log on on Sunday's to put the Sunday School lesson video and notes on, so I can't really deactivate my account because of that.  It's easier when I do deactive, I don't know why but it is.   

I've said often since I've had FB that is overwhelms me.  It's too much.  I see too much of other peoples lives.  I put too much of my own life on.  It makes me have all kinds of feelings I don't want to have.  

So, I need to focus on other things.  I just need a way to get my thoughts out.  So,here I am back to my blog.  I also want to write more in my journals.  I want my life simple but full.

I want to get back to love running.  Right now, I don't know so much.  I haven't in awhile.  But now that I don't have Sebastian here with me...I miss him.  I miss running with him.  I just never thought a year ago that I wouldn't have him this year.  But I don't.  


Jesus, my whole heart wants to be so intimately connected with yours at all times.  Show me the way of letting go of all that hinders me, even good things (FB in its own way) and bad things (FB in its own way) so that I can more and more experience Your abiding Presence within me.

Yes

"It is hard for self-centered creatures to realize that there are some souls that are really and truly passionately in love with God. But this should not be so hard to understand; he who loves the light and heat of the candle should surely love the sunlight even more." From Peace of Soul

Day 2

Yesterday went pretty well with the "detox".  Although after reading several articles I probably should call it a "reset".  Either way...no meat, no bread, no sugar.

I did supplement though. I am still drinking my morning coffee.  I use fat-free half and half and stevia so I didn't think that is a big deal.  I had two hard boiled eggs, and a dark chocolate/almond sweet and salty bar.  It's the not chewing food!  It's weird!  I do feel good though. And I have lost 1.5 lbs!  Yesterday I bet I had to "pee"-  I hate that word it sounds so crude LOL- URINATE about 50 times!  

I am doing the Dr. Oz 3 day cleanse:
http://www.doctoroz.com/article/dr-ozs-3-day-detox-cleanse-one-sheet

I got EVERYTHING at Aldi's!

I love love love the hot epsom salt/lavender baths!

Detox

de·tox

-a process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances.

Here I am again.  Detoxing.  In more ways than one.  A friend mentioned to me that she was going to do a 3 day cleanse.  I thought maybe, just maybe, a 3 day cleanse would help me lose the weight I've been carrying around since Christmas.  I just cannot lose these pounds.  My main problems is late-night snacking and too-big portions.  I am almost 48, and I am in perimenopause.  My body, my metabolism, is not that of an 18, 28 or even 38 year old.  Two years ago I was the healthiest I've ever been.  Lately, I don't feel like that.  My running isn't what it was.  My body feels sluggish, heavy and unbalanced.  Therefore, so does my running.  

I know that some things are going to change.  I also know that I am going to go with the flow of that, while also trying to be the healthiest I can be...and yet not making it an obsession.  My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.  He lives in me.  That's why I want to take care of it, for Him.  

I am also, again..and again..and again...detoxing from Facebook.  I still have Messenger so I can keep in contact with my friends.  But lately I don't like ME and my reaction to things on Facebook.  

I don't like me right now for several reasons to which I am not going to share here...but I have talked to God about it.  

I want to like me again and live rid of unhealthy substances.  Things I have allowed in my mind, will and emotions keep me hindered.  

Oh Father, all those things that I am allowing to hinder me, encumber me, enslave me- once again. My flesh.  Yuck.  I hate it.  And I want to exchange it for Your Life.  Jealousy, resentment, self-pity, lack of genuine love, grudges, criticism, being judgmental...and on and on.  And Lord, the situation with that certain person, I FEEL like I've done that person wrong.  Nick and others's say I haven't but...then why am I feeling like this?  I have my reasons why I didn't do that thing.  But still it will hurt that person and I just can't stand that thought.  Now, I've let it get so far.  Should I tell them?  I am afraid it will open a whole bag of hurt when more hurts are shared.  I feel as if I am living a lie, being deceitful, of having to keep a secret of my own making.  Either way, when that person hears about it, they will be hurt by my actions and the reasons seem so feeble and self-centered.  I know You've given me a new heart but I don't feel like I live from it.  A kind heart.  A generous heart.  A loving heart.  I have become a noisy gong, a clanging symbol.  The Holy Spirit has convinced me of my righteousness from You, and as I choose to not live from that righeousness, You bring me back to it once again: "Starla, you are not being who I created you anew to be."  I want to be ME.  The real ME.  Not fake, Starla.  Not anymore.  Not again.  I know now who I really am.  And I know the conflict that arises within me when I am not being the real me.  Oh Dear One.  Help me to know what to do.  I need Your voice to speak to me.  Please Lord, detox me.