Detox

de·tox

-a process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances.

Here I am again.  Detoxing.  In more ways than one.  A friend mentioned to me that she was going to do a 3 day cleanse.  I thought maybe, just maybe, a 3 day cleanse would help me lose the weight I've been carrying around since Christmas.  I just cannot lose these pounds.  My main problems is late-night snacking and too-big portions.  I am almost 48, and I am in perimenopause.  My body, my metabolism, is not that of an 18, 28 or even 38 year old.  Two years ago I was the healthiest I've ever been.  Lately, I don't feel like that.  My running isn't what it was.  My body feels sluggish, heavy and unbalanced.  Therefore, so does my running.  

I know that some things are going to change.  I also know that I am going to go with the flow of that, while also trying to be the healthiest I can be...and yet not making it an obsession.  My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.  He lives in me.  That's why I want to take care of it, for Him.  

I am also, again..and again..and again...detoxing from Facebook.  I still have Messenger so I can keep in contact with my friends.  But lately I don't like ME and my reaction to things on Facebook.  

I don't like me right now for several reasons to which I am not going to share here...but I have talked to God about it.  

I want to like me again and live rid of unhealthy substances.  Things I have allowed in my mind, will and emotions keep me hindered.  

Oh Father, all those things that I am allowing to hinder me, encumber me, enslave me- once again. My flesh.  Yuck.  I hate it.  And I want to exchange it for Your Life.  Jealousy, resentment, self-pity, lack of genuine love, grudges, criticism, being judgmental...and on and on.  And Lord, the situation with that certain person, I FEEL like I've done that person wrong.  Nick and others's say I haven't but...then why am I feeling like this?  I have my reasons why I didn't do that thing.  But still it will hurt that person and I just can't stand that thought.  Now, I've let it get so far.  Should I tell them?  I am afraid it will open a whole bag of hurt when more hurts are shared.  I feel as if I am living a lie, being deceitful, of having to keep a secret of my own making.  Either way, when that person hears about it, they will be hurt by my actions and the reasons seem so feeble and self-centered.  I know You've given me a new heart but I don't feel like I live from it.  A kind heart.  A generous heart.  A loving heart.  I have become a noisy gong, a clanging symbol.  The Holy Spirit has convinced me of my righteousness from You, and as I choose to not live from that righeousness, You bring me back to it once again: "Starla, you are not being who I created you anew to be."  I want to be ME.  The real ME.  Not fake, Starla.  Not anymore.  Not again.  I know now who I really am.  And I know the conflict that arises within me when I am not being the real me.  Oh Dear One.  Help me to know what to do.  I need Your voice to speak to me.  Please Lord, detox me.