My Mom

I have missed my mom more in the last few weeks than I have in years. Oh, I miss her. There are times I lament over the fact that I never really knew her. I didn't know her favorite color, or even her eye color for that matter. I have very few pictures of her. I miss that my children have never had a grandmother that picked them up from school, stayed with them when they were sick, took them out and bought them an ice cream. I was 9 when Mom died and I missed a lot of mothering but my kids have never had a doting grandmother.

I question God, why couldn't things be different? Sorrow truly overwhelms me right now. I am desperately sad. But even in this sadness, I know...surely...I know...God has bigger things in store for what is causing me to miss my mom. I can hardly handle the situation. God has and is stripping away many things not of Him. I don't like WHO I am and how I behave because of this situation. It's like everything has turned me upside down and inside out.

I am the type I avoid whatever the situation is causing me so much inner chaos. This particular situation I do not speak of unless I have to. I am filled with such despair over it that I will not even put it out publicly what is going on. It's not a bad thing. To some it's wonderful. To me...I am horrified of the great change coming. And yes, it is coming. To some it's so silly how I am reacting. I know that I am not allowing Jesus to live in and through me.

I miss my mom. Why couldn't my mom and dad have a long married life together? Why couldn't we be celebrating their 40th anniversary this year instead of the 31st anniversary of her death? Why?

I am stronger than this because I have true Strength inside of me. I know I am letting my feelings and emotions overwhelm me. I know I am not fixing my eyes on Jesus but on the circumstance. I know all of that. But right now, I just WANT to mourn and miss my mom and what could have been.