Having a bad day.....

I would like to go somewhere I've never been before. Do something I've never done before. I just don't know what or where. Sometimes I just want to step out of my life and experience something new and different. But it seems like every time that happens...it's never easy. The only time I ever get to experience something new or different is on a mission trip. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy to go on them. I love sharing Jesus and seeing what He does in others lives.

I just want something new and different in my life. I want to rest, feel good, experience, enjoy without any worries. Well, I can tell you now...that will only happen in heaven. It's just not meant for me to have exciting, new experiences in this life. First off, we just don't have the money. Second, I can't really take the time off of work. Nick can't either since he lost his job and had to start all over.

I have REALLY struggled this year with not having. Not getting to do what others do. All year it's been a battle. Satan sure knows how to attack me. My old crucified self knows how to attack me.

I list all the good things I have. I surely am blessed. Then I think...well...others have those same things and more. But...God. I just remind myself I need Jesus,not stuff. Jesus, remind me that also. Then I get fearful..."Well, I better not sound ungrateful or God will take away all those good things." I don't know. I'm just being silly.

Flesh

This is what God spoke to me this morning, "Starla, for two weeks you have complained to Me and moped about all the things you don't have or do get to do. "You lust and do not have. You are envious and cannot obtain. You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Behold, the pay of the laborers who mowed YOUR fields, and which has been withheld by YOU, cries out against you; and the outcry of those who did the harvesting has reached the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth. You have lived luxuriously on the earth and led a life of wanton pleasure; you have fattened your hearts" and I still have children, your brothers and sisters in Me that are barely getting by. Who will I reward Starla? You, with your lust and envy or those who sacrifice to bring in the harvest?"

Dream, Dream, Dream

Have you ever had a day that you just wanted to RUN AWAY. We'll for some crazy reason today is that day for me. This whole week has been so...emotional. I'm not really emotional anymore(in the crazy, fleshly sense) but my old self wants to fight this week.

Ephesians 6:12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

I've lost my temper and my peace this week. I've felt short with so many of my loved ones. I have reacted to their moods, in turn causing me to be in a bad mood. To be who I am not.

Do you know what sounds heavenly right now? Me alone all week long. I would like a week to be all by myself. If I'm gonna dream, I'm gonna dream big. I would like to be a week alone at the beach. I'd like to stay in a beach house, filled with good food, good books and some good music. I'd like to walk on the beach, read on the beach...by myself. Honestly, I wouldn't even care to talk to anyone for a week. No cellphone, no tv. Just Jesus and me.

Is that selfish? Probably. I just need quite time alone. Life is so hard sometimes. Being a mother is so hard sometimes. Being a wife is so hard sometimes. I love my husband and I love my kids. I feel like I have been a good wife and mother. But I want to be alone. Just for a week. Just for a brief time.

I don't want to live by a clock or with my days all rush here and there in a blur. I don't want to clean anyone's house for a week (even mine), or do anyone's laundry for a week, or cook anyone dinner. I want eat what I want when I want, if I want. I don't want take care of ANYONE or ANYTHING for one week.

Seems as if I've been DOING since I was 9 years old. After mom died, my sisters moved on with their lives and moved out...so it was up to Karen and I to take care of the house and laundry from then on. We were 8 & 9.

In March of 1988, I turned 18. In May of '88 I graduated high school and started working. In July of 1988, I got married. In January of 1990, I had my first child. I've have always taken care of someone or something. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life. I truly am happy.

Sometimes, I just long for a break. Ah, I'm being silly. I adore Nick and the kids. I wouldn't even know what to do with myself if all I had to take care of was me for a week. Mothers just don't take care of themselves. They are the ones that do without the haircuts, the clothes, the dentist appointments....any type of pampering and we do without so our kids can have what they need. We make do and become resourceful.

I do have great pleasure in my life. Running. Mornings alone. Pineapples, walnuts and dark chocolate before bed. My wonderful bathroom! My MP3 player. BOOKS! Flowerbeds. Gardening. Friends. I have a wonderful life. I truly do. I am blessed to know Jesus in an intimate way, an inward grace.

But sometimes...I just want to...do nothing. Or feel like I don't have to do nothing.

Well, Amen.

Back to where I belong!

Two and a half years ago our youth pastor, Will Gunter, spoke from Hebrews 12:1-2:

1Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

2fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I don't think I had ever really read those verses nor understood them. It wasn't until a year later that God greatly spoke to me through those verses.

See, I have a problem of letting things get to me. Whether it be worrying about the future, what someone says or does to hurt me, my kids, my husband, my family, paying bills, getting my house back in order, taking care of the yard, work, saving up money for extra things we need...the list is ENDLESS. Then my thoughts lead from one to another and before I know it my thoughts are like the little mouse on his spinning wheel. Over and over. Fear invades me and overwhelms me.

Before I know it, I've taken my eyes of Jesus and allowed myself to be encumbered, entangled and enslaved. To my Self, my thoughts, to circumstances, to the devil, to this world, to other people. To things I can not control. I like control. When I'm not in control, I am fearful.

But Jesus.

Jesus doesn't want me in control because if I am in control: I am god. He wants me fully, completely, wholly fixed on HIM. My hopes, dreams, thoughts, circumstances, future, present and even past. He wants to be my Life. Everything. My all in all.

Many times in the last year and a half, I've had to pray to get my eyes off of everything and everyone around me and BACK on Jesus. I believe that He is teaching me to live continually fixed on Him. That is what He wants from me continually, fixed on Him.

What is fixed on Him? Trusting Him. If He says He will provide for all my needs, do I trust that He will? Do I rest in Him, knowing He cares for me? He is my Author (my Beginner) and my Perfecter (He completes His good work IN me).

I am His joy. Yes, I am His joy. He endured the cross, shed His precious blood so that I, His joy, may be found compete, holy, free and righteous. He became my sin and paid my debt so that I may live an abundant and abiding life in Him.

Jesus, my Beloved, is sitting at the right hand of God AND living in me. How amazing is that? How can I possibly allow the crazy things of this world, and myself, to overwhelm me when the King of kings, makes me His dwelling place in me? He has made me ALIVE because He lives His Life in and through me! That is REAL life!

Overwhelmed? Fearful? Letting people or the world or the enemy of your soul get you down? Well, let me tell you. Christ Jesus has OVERCAME them all. Live NO longer encumbered, entangled or enslaved because YOU have been set free if you have trusted and received the Lord Jesus Christ. Allow Jesus to fix you, from the INSIDE out, back on Him!

Father, reveal to me Jesus. I no longer want to live encumbered, entangled or enslaved to any one or any thing. I want to know Jesus fully and completely. You are the only One who can remove the veil. You are the only One who can teach me and anoint me with Truth. I want to be fixed on Jesus- body, soul and spirit. Thank you for being Faithful and True. Amen!

Quick Update

I am still running. I had been running up to 5 miles a couple of times a week but it was putting too much stress on my left ankle. So, I got a slight sprained ankle. I took ibuprofen, iced it, brown paper-vinegar wrapped it, soaked it in epsom salt. It's much better. I am trying to run a 5K (3.1) every other day and sprints on the days I do not run the 5K. My ankle is holding up. Yesterday I ran the course at Dorman with two of my friends that are going to run Zebras. Nick and I are going back today.

The ministries at White Pines and Upstate Evaluation Center are going SO well! I thank God for allowing me to be apart of this ministry. I love those boys. I am praying they have the revelation of Jesus Christ! Oh, what I know He wants to do in and through them!

My dad's new wife, Sharon, has been diagnosed with cancer in her lung. She is going to have a PET scan on Tuesday. They have only been married since January 23rd. Please pray for them. I am praying God heals her so they can have a long and happy marriage. I will blog about this more another time, but right now I have to get ready for church.

My soul overflows with love for my Lord Jesus Christ and my beloved Father in heaven. Such beautiful love. I feel His love wash in me and through me. There is no greater joy than this Love.

My family is well. Nick is working, we almost have all of our tax money saved (thank You, God!), Allison and Ben are on spring break this week, Cody has a slight fever but ran the mile in 5:14 this week, Johnie helped Nick clean the fence row out. We've got a lot of work to do around here this spring and summer. We didn't get to do a lot last year because Nick didn't have a job so this year is catch up. Paint the deck, the patio steps, stucco around the house. Almost time to get my garden ready. We've got to get gravel for the drive and a new liner for the pool. A cover for the hot tub. Oh dear, so much to save up for!

Johnie has an appointment with the dentist and dermatologist in the next month. So thankful for dental insurance but since we have no health insurance we have to pay for the dermatologist.

"How can you send up to Him a prayer for His grace, with a restriction that He must only send it by a channel demanding no sacrifice on your part? - Fenelon"

I am not complaining, nor want any to feel bad for us. I want to know my Lord in deep, intimate fellowship and oneness. How can that be when everything in my life is all well? When we have no financial, physical, and/or emotional difficulties then we cannot truly trust and rest in Jesus. We must have these things. We must have circumstances and situations that demand dependence on Him. Otherwise, where is our faith and hope? Where can we look to? Our Self. I just can not take that burden any more of depending on my Self. I choose to cast my cares, anxieties, burdens and weariness on my Jesus. Only He is worthy to destroy them. I'd rather be in His loving arms and care than mine.

Love to you all.

Times by Tenth Avenue North

Video: Times by Tenth Avenue North
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAVHeVDML5k&feature=related

Artist: Tenth Avenue North
Song: Times

I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real?'
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

As You Are Married

This poem was given to me by a woman named Barbara Beatty. She was the pianist at Rheber Church of the Nazarene, the church I grew up in and where Nick and I were married. Barbara gave me this poem...it's on a little card...and I have carried it with me every day since we were married. Nick and I were married for 12 years before we came to Christ...yet I carried this little poem with me. These last 7 years it means so much more to me because I UNDERSTAND what it means! And still I carry it...ragged and all.

AS YOU ARE MARRIED BY DARLENE BLACKMON

Paul said 'tis a mystery

How two are joined as one,

We may not ever understand

Exactly how it's done.

A man must leave his

childhood home

To take to him a wife;

With new goals and direction,

New purpose now for life.

As the two of you are married,

With new doors now to enter,

Just build your home

upon the Rock

And make Christ

the Lord, the center.